Anniversary Self-Aid and Buddy Care For Those who Helped
By
Jeffrey T. Mitchell, Ph.D., CTS
August 20, 2002
About a week ago I completed an article entitled “The Anniversary Dilemma.” It went out on ICISF’s web site. It was a set of guidelines for helping (but not over helping) communities, survivors, victims and bereaved to deal with the intensity of anniversary events, particularly September 11. ICISF, almost immediately, received many requests to put together a similar set of guidelines to assist those who had helped out in so many ways that they would be too numerous to describe here. This article is a response to the many requests that have come into ICISF.
1. For those who lost colleagues in a tragedy, the anniversary can be
a very difficult time. The time period shortly after the loss is a
time of shock, numbness and bewilderment. In the next few
months the reality of the loss begins to set in. The person is
missed and there are periods of distress intermingled with periods
of relative calm. Grief, sadness and regrets are common.
Generalized anxiety about one’s owns well being, specific fears
and stress reactions are also common. Memories, dreams and
thoughts of the dead person can intrude at any time. Frustration
and anger over some aspect of the loss can also take up a person’s
energy. As the anniversary approaches those feelings, memories,
thoughts and dreams can become intensified.
2. An important anniversary is not a date so much as it is a period of
time. Generally the anniversary period begins several weeks and
sometimes a month or so before the actual date and trails off for
several weeks after the anniversary date. Many people are
surprised by the length of time that an anniversary of a significant
event can take. Although uncomfortable and sometimes quite
painful, the length of the anniversary period should not be
surprising. Remember, the intensity of the feelings generated by
an anniversary and the length of time the anniversary period lasts
is usually in proportion to the importance of the person in your life.
Look at discomfort at anniversary times as a personal tribute to the
colleagues you miss so much because they were so important in
your life.
3. For those who were involved in the search and recovery efforts at
the World Trade Center the anniversary period can be particularly
distressing because they were so caught up in the operation that
they had to postpone much of their normal grief reactions. A
delayed grief reaction does not mean that a person can escape his
or her grief. There is a price to pay for the delay. In fact, most
people report that they were surprised by just how powerful the
grief was that overtook them at anniversary times. For a few, the
grief reaction can be powerful enough to disrupt their work and
home performance.
4. Around the United States and even in other countries, many people
have attempted to use the emergency services and military
personnel to express their shock and grief over the September 11th
attacks. That is natural. Those people represent the closest the
general public can come to the “front lines” of the war on
terrorism. They have made unwilling “heroes” out of emergency
and military personnel. They focus their attention on them; wine
them and dine them; give them awards and honors and include
them in programs and ceremonies where they have been previously
overlooked or even ignored. Many have cried on the shoulders of
emergency personnel even when those emergency personnel may
have had little or nothing to do with the actual search and rescue
operations. Personnel in New York City, in particular, had to
maintain that strong outer appearance for the people who came
with flowers and candles to their police and fire stations. The
public does not want their “heroes” to be sad and grieving. The
public wants to cheer up fire, police, emergency medical and
military personnel. They want to make them feel better. If they
believe that they can be successful in that endeavor then they can
feel more secure in this very insecure world. They want them to be
strong and ready for action should it be necessary. Unwittingly,
the public may have contributed to the delayed grief reactions that
many operations personnel are now experiencing. There is no
malice here. It is the best a frightened public can do. In the
American Civil War the public cheered as soldiers paraded by on
their way to battle and tied yellow ribbons around trees as they
waited for the war’s end and the return of their soldiers. They are
doing today what the public has done for thousands of years. They
urge courage, strength and stamina in their front line protectors so
they can feel safer in their own worlds. It is the best they know
how to do. They mean no harm.
5. Avoidance is very common around anniversary times. Some
people, especially those who have recently entered into a delayed
grief reaction, will do everything they can to avoid ceremonies and
programs associated with the anniversary. They fear that they will
be overwhelmed by such ceremonies. Such fear is natural. In
some cases attendance at a ceremony will be mandated by the
organization. Do the best you can under those circumstances.
Keep in mind that ceremonies can help to move the healing
process along and do not necessarily have to overwhelm if a
person has a positive attitude. A positive attitude is one that looks
at attendance at a ceremony as a way to honor the memory of those
who have been killed or wounded. In some cases people will be
given an option regarding their attendance at an anniversary
ceremony. People should consider attending very seriously before
making the decision. There may be hidden benefits to attendance.
6. If a person decides that they cannot attend an optional ceremony
their decision needs to be respected. Every person deals with their
loss in their own way and on their own time frame. Remember,
many of you who helped out got wounded internally yourselves.
You may need time to heal and sometimes people cannot face
anniversaries very well when they are feeling the pain of their
wounds.
7. Do not be talked into doing things which go against your internal
feelings. For example, I was asked to be a speaker at a memorial
program on September 11. My internal sense said that the
organizers were going in the wrong direction. They wanted to
invite every emergency person they knew (and many they did not)
to the ceremony so that “heroes” would be on site during the
program. The anniversary is not about us. It is about those who
died or were wounded. It is about their families. It is about the
losses America has suffered as a nation. I was very concerned
with their approach and said no to the invitation even though there
was considerable pressure being exerted on me to comply.
8. Some people need to be in a quiet place away from others and they
need to reflect on their personal experience of the loss. Others will
choose to be around friends and family. Others prefer to be with
their coworkers. A few people want to attend every ceremony or
program that is available in their area. Some simply want to go
away. They are worn out by a year full of reports about the
tragedy. Others choose to work and keep busy. Some want to talk
about it, others do not. There is no one way to deal with the pain
of an anniversary. Choose your best personal plan.
9. Do not be afraid to tell those you care about that you love them and
that you care for them. We are in a war and just about anything
may happen. Even if we were not in a war, just about anything can
happen.
10. Look out for one another. If someone you work with does not
seem themselves or they are hurting, please offer a listening ear
and a kind heart. A little listening goes a long, long way.
11. Spend time with friends and family, love your children and care for
them. Read, think, pray, play. Do anything that works for you.
An anniversary of a tragedy is a significant occurrence.
Remembering, grieving, feeling, honoring the dead and wounded
are all important aspects of our lives. Likewise, growing,
rebuilding, looking forward and participating in daily life are also
important. Anniversaries should be lived through with dignity and
honor. They should not become emotional swamps that swallow
us and cause us to cease living healthy and productive lives. We
do not honor the memory of our dead by ceasing to live own
ourselves. We honor them by choosing to live life better because
of them.
12. For those who have worked directly with the tragic events, they
hold membership in a special club. Their memories may be
somber around the anniversary. They should not forget, however,
that they have had the privilege of working side by side with some
of the finest people the world has to offer. They should entwine
those positive memories of team work and personal sacrifice in
with the sad feelings generated by the anniversary period. You and
they have given gifts and each has received gifts by the work you
have done in the aftermath of the tragedy.
13. People may need a referral for additional support if the distress
they are encountering during the anniversary period overwhelms
them and causes them to dysfunction on the job or at home. Look
out for your colleagues who are having a really hard time during an
anniversary period. Get them to CISM services or to counseling if
that is necessary.
14. Remember, the most important people in our lives have made us
laugh and they made us cry. Honor them all by the quality of the
lives you live. Thank you for all you have done to reach out to
others in times of need. Please use this reflective time around the
anniversary to contemplate but not get bogged down in the past
while simultaneously resting and preparing yourselves for the
future. No doubt, there is yet far more to contribute.